You’re Too Fat…You’re Too Skinny…

Holy shit people can be so brutal at times. How many of us have gained weight and someone has said “wow, you’ve gained weight” and inside your whole spirit was broken. I know I have had it said to me and it doesn’t feel fucking good inside and leads to a plethora of insecurities, self-doubt, self-worth, depression….You try and try to keep a brave face but inside your soul breaks and you wonder why people feel the need to tell you about your appearance, your weight gain. Tell me I have a booger in my nose or my mascara is running, tell me my lipstick is on my teeth but don’t tell me about my size, just fucking don’t!…unless you are complementing me. Your insults are a reflection of who you are fucker, so remember that nobody likes a shit head. I’ll share some of my thoughts and what I went through before I said “Fuck it”.

When I went on my weight loss journey it wasn’t because I thought I was fat aka overweight or thought I needed to, it was because I ran into a guy that I hadn’t seen in a long time and the first words that came out of his mouth was “shit you put on some lot of weight” and he said it with disgust. This crushed my fucking heart into a million pieces. My reply was “wow, thanks” and I walked away. I couldn’t even say anything about his appearance back and trust me I fucking tried to find something to say because he fucking hurt my soul that day. Truth was he was still as fine as he was the last time I had seen him some 20 years ago so I was in a jam and couldn’t even insult him back and that pissed me the fuck off. His appearance was top notch but his mannerisms were for the dogs and that alone made him one ugly ass man.

I wanted to show that prick who made me feel like I shouldn’t breathe the same air as him that I could do it, truth is he probably never even thought about me once after that encounter. I lost a ton of weight and started feeling good about myself…so I thought anyways. I thought OK, this weight loss is going to fix all of my insecurities and any judgement being passed on me…I thought nobody will be able to say shit to me about my weight now, and then…it happened again. “You’re too skinny”, “You look like you’re on crack”, “Do you have cancer?” “Are you sick?” “You lost your ass” and my all-time favorite “you need to gain some weight back” I even had a woman say to me “You think you’re something now that you lost all that weight” I kid you not an actual grown woman said that to me one time and she was not joking. I came to find out later she actually hated me and on that very day, in that very moment she couldn’t hold in her hate for me any longer. I had not done a single thing to her but treat her with kindness and inclusion during a difficult time in MY life, but for some reason, she hated me and that was on her and not on me. I could not win this fucking battle with the public forum no matter how hard I fucking tried. I just couldn’t get “perfect” and that was a major wake up call. My happiness was not about my weight it was about some deeper pain that I just never dealt with.

I love seeing the journeys others are taking to get healthy, losing weight, changing their eating habits, staying consistent…that shit ain’t easy by any means and it takes a lot of discipline. Some are doing it for health related issues, some are doing it to feel better about themselves. My workout time was my therapy session and I bet my last dollar that every single person doing it is using their time to get their mind in a better place and to fight insecurities that we so often hide from others that are caused by others. To all of those women and men I salute you for the challenges you face everyday to stay motivated on your journey, your journey is for YOU not for anyone else.

Women in general have it so hard these days with social media and the false expectation that everyone should look a certain way…it’s so sad how this effects women of all ages struggling with body image, self-worth and loving themselves. All of us women and men have to play a role in undoing the false “perfect” look women are trying to get to, we have to do better.
Let’s be honest…men have it easy for the most part. Women are more forgiving when it comes to looks and body shape. Women tend to go for the heart, is he a good man? That’s what she wants to know first. The definition of “good man” comes from the individual’s perspective, not all women are looking for the same “good man”. Men on the other hand tend to go for physical attraction immediately. I’m speaking in general after speaking with men about this topic so don’t “come for me” after this blog (smile). Hitting the jackpot when it comes to your significant other requires more than physical attraction, it requires a deeper connection that starts with your soul, your spirit and your happiness when being around that person…If any one of those things are not prospering with an abundance of positive energy than that “perfectly shaped” soul mate won’t be so perfect after all…but some hold on, thinking one day that person will bring them joy and all along their spirit is breaking daily all for a visual representation to please the small minded out there judging.

Men make fun of the corns on your toes but never really think that behind those corns is a woman who wore high heel shoes in pain for 9 plus hours working all day, or she had on her work boots while she worked, either way she was doing what she needed to do to earn those corns. They don’t realize that under our clothes we are wearing a fucking body sucker inner aka Spanx to hold us the fuck in because we know that all of our rolls will make you uncomfortable and we wouldn’t want YOU to be uncomfortable. We will let our organs be rearranged inside of our body to ensure we look just a little less “rolly”. Side note: JLO wears Spanx, OK carry on reading… Our bras push them breastfed or post baby boobs up just a bit so you have some fucking perky tits to look at and admire. Our stretch marks, well God forbid you ever catch a glimpse of the end result of our childbearing years or the weight fluctuations we’ve had in our lives. How about that back fat, yes, that is OMG, so awful to look at, I mean how dear a woman have back fat. Let’s not forget about the C word, no not that one…the other one, Cellulite! Where does it come from? I don’t fucking know, maybe it was all of that homogenized milk I drank when I was “skinny” in my teens…oddly enough I had cellulite then too, hmmmm maybe it’s hereditary…I don’t fucking know and I don’t fucking care at this point in my life.

Truth is every day I look in the mirror and there is something I am not so happy about physically, but I get over it in about 2.5 seconds. I remind myself that any person that judges me on my size will never get anything from me other than a “fuck you” while I turn and walk away shaking my PHAT AZZ from side to side like I’m on a runway modelling every ounce of my motherfucking Phat Azz for them. Too Fat, Too Skinny? Nope, I’m perfect and so are YOU ~Holla