Toxic Mothers…Absent Fathers…

I’m not going to bash my ex today…I’ll keep it real though. The one thing I applaud him for was that he actually was there when both of his sons were born. Through the delivery, cutting the cord and being the first one to hold our sons. I thought that experience would play a factor in him being an active father in their lives, like the father I imagined for my kids, but shockingly he didn’t meet my expectations. If that special moment can’t make a man want to be heavily involved then what could I say or do to change him…nothing is the answer. I learned early on in life if a man wants to be a father then he will be, no actions of mine or words that left my lips would influence him…not even a tiny bit.

Was he everything I dreamed he would be as a father?…No he wasn’t. Was he everything he could be as a father, perhaps. Could he have tried harder, by my standards…most certainly. Could he have made them more of a priority, maybe he could’ve. Could he have loved them more, I don’t think so…I think he loved them with all that he had in him when he could. Many parents don’t have relationships with their children but love them from a distance. Responsibility was not his strong suit but there were times that he tried. I was disappointed in him more than anything…and disappointment you can get over if you let it go in your heart…but that takes time.

Even though things didn’t work out between me and my son’s father, I was certain he would be an active father. I expected all of the things that he missed out on with his own father would be the very reason he would be a great dad. He never met my expectations of being a father and I constantly compared what I was doing for and with the kids to what he was doing for and with the kids…hands down there was no comparison. This is not about bashing him as a father, this is about how I handled the situation I was given. It’s hard as a single mother, hard as hell…I often look at two parent families and when I hear them complain and I think to myself “imagine raising two kids with no help”, sometimes I say it out loud to them… and they literally say “I honestly don’t know how you did it”. I respect their honest reaction because truth is, I did it and they could too if they didn’t have another “parent” to depend on…they just can’t imagine doing it is the truth.

Let’s talk “Toxic Mothers”, some of you are not ready to hear this…some of you reading this may think I’m being ridiculous but if you get anything out of this…know this…Toxic Mothers are just as bad as Absent Fathers.

My job as a mother to two young boys who didn’t have an active father was to ensure they still felt loved and taken care of. I had to hide as much of my struggles that I could to ensure they enjoyed their childhood. I had his back and he didn’t even know it. Each birthday and all holidays he missed I made sure to have a gift for them “from dad”. Every single birthday, Christmas, Easter, Back to School…Yes, I did that until they were 10 & 12. He probably doesn’t even know I did that to be honest but I did. And to be transparent, he didn’t miss every single birthday, Christmas etc., he missed a lot though, a lot. You see, I didn’t do it for him…I did it for them, my sons. I made excuses for his absence to them, it seemed pointless to tell them their father was an asshole and wasn’t going to show…or to tell them he never sent the money for Christmas gifts or birthday gifts or or or or…it was so very pointless…so every year they got a gift from their dad from me. Did I have hate in my heart for him, yes I absolutely did because he wasn’t taking this parenting thing serious like he was supposed to, he fucked off on them and that shit was cold on all levels. As a mom I just handled it…you know what I mean…I just put the kids first, I had to.

I’m not saying I was a perfect mother, I too did the whole “you can’t see your kids” thing a few times when they were too young to understand what kind of toxic mother I was being, thankfully. I realized me saying that to him was his way “out”. It now became my fault that he couldn’t be a good father and I only had to hear that a few times. Once I realized it was my fault that he couldn’t be a parent I never told him he couldn’t see them again. They were under the age of 2 so I don’t feel it made an impact on them. So let me be honest, I said that shit to him because I was trying to hurt him the same way that he had hurt me (break up hurt ya know is not a good hurt, especially when kids are involved). That was the most selfish thing I had ever done as a parent and I am glad I caught myself when they were 2 and under or I may be living with a whole lot of regret right now as a mom. It wasn’t my job to put him down as a father to my kids, it just wasn’t.

So you had a child/children with an absent father…As a mother you can sit around and talk shit about your kids dad all you want to your children or in front of your children…but to be honest…YOU are a Toxic Mother if you do this. You start to make the child more aware that one parent isn’t around. You start to make the child understand disappointment and hatred towards their father…you feed this rhetoric to your child, in front of your child. You put these ideas in their heads about them not being loved by their father and that you are the only parent that loves them. You start to make them hate their father, you start the cycle as a mother for children to hate their fathers…and that is simply unfair to the kids. That’s a huge burden for any kid to carry.

Most of this toxicity comes from your own hurt and jealousy…period. You may be hurt that he isn’t with you anymore, you may be hurt that he has a new woman and he may be appearing to live his best life. He may have moved on and really don’t have you to think about. He may be the devil in disguise if we really want to take it to that level…but it is NOT your responsibility as a parent to destroy your child on an emotional level for the sake of getting back at your ex.

YOU as a mom need to stay focused on the task at hand…parenting. YOU as a mom should know that your hurt and pain shouldn’t be part of your child’s hurt and pain. YOU as a mom should know that no matter what he did to you, you are still responsible for raising the little human beings you brought into the world. YOU as a mom can be mad as hell that you can’t buy diapers and he’s not picking up your calls or sending diaper money…but YOU as a mom will make it work. Kids don’t need a bitter mother who hates their dad…kids need a Superwoman who simply takes care of shit no matter what. It is NOT your God given right to destroy your child from the inside out because you are fueled with anger that your ex has moved on…and maybe, just maybe he doesn’t want anything to do with you because you are toxic…which then gives him a “reason” to stay away and not be a father. Now don’t take this the wrong way, I am not saying toxic mothers keep their kids father away….what I’m saying is that you contribute to the excuse of why he “can’t” and “won’t” come around. YOU know better, you know if you changed your approach that shit can be different but you refuse to cave one tiny bit…you just won’t and that is selfish girl, very selfish.

If little Joey was supposed to be picked up by his father and he didn’t show…then the next time little Joey is supposed to be picked up by his father consider not telling him until Big Joey shows. Ya feel me? Don’t say shit like “oh your father probably ain’t gonna show anyways” or “get ready your father is coming to get you” knowing very well there is a great chance that he is not going to show. You as a fucking mother need to protect the child against this intentional hurt you are causing them. Filter that information “mom” don’t intentionally say shit to hurt them, do shit to protect them. Feel this because I’m speaking from experiences of not only myself but from others.

If your kids father does something you consider “normal” parenting don’t belittle the action to your children. Don’t say shit like “he’s supposed to do that and more” or “so now he thinks he’s something because he bought you a birthday gift” or how about when the child finally gets to go out with the dad, and comes back excited they got to be with their dad for the day…let that kid have their joy, if only for a day. Don’t play mother of the year to your kid by putting down their father because you aren’t getting an award your killing the child’s spirit.

In the end when the child gets older, they will decide if they want a relationship with their father not you. They will decide if they are worthy of giving a man they know as their father the time of day. This does not take away from every single damn sacrifice you had to make while being a single parent but what it does do is give the child an opportunity to connect with the other piece of their DNA and to decide “do I keep him in my life at a distance?”, “do I let him be close to me” and be in their life now that they are grown or do “I just turn my back on him”. It is 100% the young adult’s decision and you Mom, should let the natural course of the relationship happen. #sherryannecrowe

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