Thoughts…What is Love?…Page 2

You know I’m going to say it…LOVE YOURSELF FIRST.

You know I mean it becuase by now you know how important it is to love yourself. Guess what’s crazy about people? Some people will not love you and if they don’t, you have to accept that no matter how good of a person you think you are, there will always be someone who won’t like or love you. Ouch.

I’ll drop a few gems on you…

My younger self would cry if someone didn’t like me, I would be devasted. As an adult I had to manifest a mindset that would allow me to feel the sting when someone didn’t like me because the sting is a reminder not everyone likes you. I also had to turn up the “I don’t give a fawk” meter, head high, self love gauge on max and remember that when someone doesn’t have a valid reason to not like you, you got to honestly not care at a 99% capacity and that other 1% is simply the sting so you don’t forget that you’re not everyone’s cup of tea. It has taken me most of life to reach this level of understanding.

I was never taught self love. For a long part of my life, before I had my own kids, I was never aware of what love felt like after my (adopted) father passed away in 1980, I was 9 years old when he passed. I had my first child at the age of 21, so from 9-21 nobody really showed me love in the family sense.

My family dynamic was the usual for a mixed race kid (biologically and as an adopted child) , we had my white family (mother’s side) and we had my Black Family (father’s side). From what I recall, it was pretty even when it came to spending time with both sides of the family, until my dad died. When my father died my life completely changed. I was raised in fear, not by my father, but by my mother, I don’t believe he ever knew that she was one way in front of people and another way when everyone was gone, when it was just me and her.

When my father died, my entire life, my existance, my future changed, who I was no longer existed and who I may become was shaped by someone who no longer had to hide who she was as much as she did before his death.

I no longer had the good times and pure love when my dad got home from work. I had a person who I felt, never really loved me, never really cared, never wanted any good to happen for me and who never really wanted me in her life. Growing up feeling like a burden messes with you, even in adulthood.

Now I know my family is probably rolling their eyes saying “what is she talking about?”, but you aren’t me, you weren’t there, you DO NOT KNOW so if you’re feeling some kind of way about my blogs, it’s best you stop reading them going forward because I’m not done yet. Truth is, some of you probably knew how she felt about me…I digress on this topic, for now.

I remember the morning my dad Vincent passed away. He had been sick for a while and in the hospital. I was young, I didn’t really understand much. I knew he was sick, I was taken to visit him a few times in the hospital. I’m not sure why, it was traumatic.

The hospital is no longer there but I assure you I remember exactly what it looked like inside, I remember my dad laying in the hospital bed non responsive and hooked up to tubes for his breathing. As a child it didn’t make sense, as an adult it’s an awful memory, one I’d rather not have embedded in my brain but the memory still takes up space in my head.

When they tore the hospital down I thought the memory would slowly fade, it did not. I still get an emotional feeling every time I drive by what used to be the place my dad spent his last days on this earth.

The doctors thought it was tuberculosis and it ended up being pneumonia. I guess I over heard conversations enough that this information stuck in my head all of my life, it’s not like I’d know what either of those illnesses were at a young age. It’s crazy how certain things just stick with you. Kids are always listening.

The Day…

I was at my grandmother’s place, I spent the night there and I could hear the adults talking downstairs. I was supposed to be sleeping so I pretended that I was, but I was actively listening because it was Christmas Day and I was waiting to be allowed to go downstairs to open my gifts. I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, I got excited…it was finally time to get up and open my presents and I was at my granny’s place, a woman who always made me feel loved, always, so I was excited to be there.

My aunt came up the flight of stairs and went into the room that my cousin was sleeping in and she woke her and said “Get up, Uncle Vincent died”.

Another aunt made her way in to my room to “wake” me, she told me to come downstairs and open my gifts. I was so confused because I was sure I just heard my aunt say that my dad had died, but at that moment I was being hurried along to go downstairs to open my gifts, maybe I didn’t hear what I thought I heard.

My Aunt Rose and Uncle Frankie were there from my mother’s side of the family which seemed odd but I was so happy to see them I didn’t even question why they were there. I don’t recall my cousin ever getting up and coming down stairs, but I do recall walking past her room to go downstairs and my other aunt comforting her as she cried in her arms.

My grandmother was in the kitchen, she smiled towards me with that granny type of smile, she was love, I still remember her face, nobody was crying though, it was so confusing. Did my father die, did I misinterpret what I had heard, did I just dream it?

December 25, 1980, I didn’t dream it.

Forever and ever, Christmas Day was such a heart-breaking day for me. Having kids of my own I had to put my feelings aside for Christmas and pretend. It wasn’t until I met my husband in 1999 that I realized that I could celebrate the day with a new purpose.

Christmas to me became about love, loving my family, appreciating them and not taking anything for granted. It took me almost 20 years to be able to enjoy a Christmas filled with joy, love and family. I have to say, with my kids, it has become the most wonderful time of the entire year to have us all together again and not for gifts, but for us, for us to bond more, to grow together, make new traditions, honor some of the old traditions and just appreciate the time we have to be able to be together in good health.

Every year, the holidays with my kids, friends & family becomes more and more of capsule of memories that I cherish more than I can express. Every year, no matter what, I think about that day, I think about my dad, I think about the what ifs…losing him was one of the biggest losses of my life. He was a loving father and I will never forget how much he loved me.

With life being so short now, perspective on the important things in life does start to shift more towards moments in time rather than any other materialistic things you could think of to appreciate. Time is what’s priceless, who you share it with is valuable, the memories you make will be talked about long after your death, the pictures you take will be part of your history once life ends.

You will know what love looks like when it shows up. There’s not a word I can really think of to describe love, love of family, love in friendships, love in relationships, even love of an acquaintance…but what I can tell you that love is safe and it is a feeling in the pit of your soul.

When I mention about feeling safe, that is important because love is safe. Granted we all have our “stuff” and we all love differently but what I know to be true is that love is a true feeling towards someone who would never intentionally crush your soul and hurt your spirit, friend, family, spouse and everyone in between.

I no longer care about being liked, what I want is to receive and give love. Sometimes all people really need is genuine love in their life and because I know what it feels like to be unloved, I love as much as I can on others. This genuinely ties in with being an empath and feeling emotions of others as if they’re your own. Everyone needs love, everyone wants love in this journey through life. A life without love is a painful life to live, no matter how much you have materialistically, love is a gift for your soul and spirit.

I wasn’t sure where this would go, but here we are with another memory about my childhood sprinkled with love.

I love you dad, forever 💖

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