Thoughts…Page 1

Gosh, I have so many things to write about and my thoughts are all over the place…I’m in scatter brain mode so I thought I’d just start a blog by saying this and see where it leads me…maybe there will be a theme here and maybe there will be multiple topics and thoughts I touch on, I just don’t know at this point but I will start with this…

I didn’t make any New Year Resolutions. I get that it’s a starting point, a fresh start, a new beginning for some but for me, I try to handle shit as it happens. I want to start things whenever I want to, I want to change and grow any time of the year, month, day. 

What if life doesn’t happen tomorrow, then what? Just a thought I have regularly so I go to bed each night appreciating the fact that I made it another day on this earth, and I close my eyes each night hoping to open them in the morning. I guess, aging gives you a different perspective on life and how precious each day is.

There are certain energies I won’t be around anymore. This is not a 2024 resolution: I’ve been working on this for a while now. It doesn’t necessarily mean the people are bad, it means their energy, their ways, their actions, their intent does not align with my spirit…and when someone disturbs my spirit I must and will not continue to share myself and energy with them. They may be great with others, just not me and I have accepted that I am not everyone’s cup of tea and not everyone is mine.

This past year I’ve emotionally drained myself for my previous relationship, which meant I had to pick up the pieces of a broken heart and broken spirit, for my colleagues who turned the other cheek when I needed them to go hard for me, for family who kept taking but never giving and everyone in between.  I drained myself for the ones I was on the ride or die train for, they really depleted me and I allowed that to happen.  A hard pill to swallow and the truth is, it’s changed me because when you’re a person who will always go hard for people you take that shit personal when people don’t ride that hard for you.  However, it’s not all doom and gloom, I definitely have those who did have my back and for those people, I am forever grateful because they helped heal me when I was going through shit. 

As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been in survival mode, always. I navigated through a lot of my life not having a fucking clue what I was doing or having guidance from anyone. I look back and think, how the fuck did I make it this far? How am I where I am right now, how?

The only thing I know to be true is that I manifested my life as it happened. It may sound crazy, but surely at least one person reading this understands that  what I’m saying is possible. Anything good that happened in my life, I believed it would happen and then it happened because my belief was so strong. My commitment to my life being better was never something I didn’t take seriously.  Life happened, I made sure, when I tapped into my
super power of understanding that I could believe in existence some things in life, I lived by that and still do.  I manifested so much in my life, that it leaves me confused when bad things happened to me.

The negative things or painful things that happened in my life were not manifested by me, but I do understand that without them happening, my life would be different today and how I see it, death is the only thing I wish I never experienced. Death of my two fathers Vincent and Shanny, my grandmother Alice, my Aunt Rose and Uncle Frankie and of course the death of my husband Mike. These were the most gut-wrenching moments in my life. A lot of love left my life when those people passed away and I truly have never recovered from those losses, I just cope. 

I remember when I was a little girl, for those who do not know, I was adopted…the day my biological mother took me to my new parent’s house, she carried me up the front steps of 2662 King Street and I remember her telling me that she was going to leave me with
these people, I can’t remember the exact words she used, but it triggered me and I screamed at the top of my lungs for her not to leave me. I literally remember holding out my arms and screaming “don’t leave me” as my new “mother” held onto me, I screamed and screamed and screamed, and then she was gone. I often wondered throughout life if that day crushed my mother’s soul the way it crushed mine, to leave me behind for what she thought would be a better life for me. I have never forgotten that day and that was almost 50 years ago.

From that day on I thought I hated my biological mother for leaving me, I simply never
forgave her, and for that I am sorry that I didn’t forgive her and now she is no longer with us (it’s been a few years now).  When I say I hated her, I don’t mean the true definition of hate, because one thing I remember about my biological mother was how much I loved her when she did have me for those few years before handing me over to my new family. I will say the hate feelings in my spirit grew more and more each day because my adopted mother initiated and fueled that “hate” to make herself feel like the better mother. My entire childhood wasn’t quite what it appeared to be on the outside.

My life story is one I will share bit by bit, but for now that’s page 1 of my thoughts today, I guess I needed to say all of that, for some reason, the reason is unknown but I know in my heart, this blog was meant to be because I sat down to write it and had no idea this was
where it was going…to be continued…