The Weekend Forever Changed Me…

Saturday was a write off…I didn’t really do much except eat everything in the house and rearrange the food cupboards…yeah I know so exciting.

Sunday rolled around and I was at 7am. Showered and ready to start my day. I thought I I’d make it feel somewhat like a “normal” Sunday. Me and my BFF had planned to go for a walk and we did. We chatted and laughed and talked about how serious everything was. Her butt looked a little bigger today but I didn’t mention it since she didn’t mention my weight gain either. The code of silence has been implemented for lock down.

My first stop was Sobeys. My aunt asked me to pick her up some things and bring them to her, plus I needed a few things. As I worked my way into Sobeys it started to become more real about the reality that we are all facing…the crisis was starting to kick in and kick in heavily. I tried to block it out so I could get in and out without any emotional damage. It started at the cart area. A table set up with paper towel and bottles of soap and water. At first I thought great idea Sobeys since soap and water is supposed to be most effective. Then I watched person after person grab a cart and just mosey right on in the store while I sprayed and wiped my cart down. They couldn’t be this naive could they? I had gloves on too. I made a super huge conscious effort to stay away from people. I’d stop dead in my tracks and figure out a new path if the other shoppers weren’t paying attention. I was mindful of the elderly people in there, the workers and also, I was doing it for my own sanity. I felt like I was more in tune with the actual dilemma than most people in the store. I was looking for items but couldn’t find them, I swear the fear had started to take over because I was shopping at my regular Sobeys and couldn’t find things. I spotted Ruth, along time employee of Sobeys. I stopped a few feet away from a lady in front of me. Ruth backed up from the lady quickly…the lady commented “it’s not that serious” to Ruth. Ruth said “well I take it very serious so please back up.” I was proud of Ruth for telling that lazy minded thinking woman how she felt. Me and Ruth exchanged a few pleasantries and I called the woman an idiot and we both went our ways after she told me where the item was that I was looking for.

I kept bobbing and weaving away from people. It felt weird doing it but not many people were taking it serious so I had to protect myself at all costs. I gathered what my aunt had needed, picked a few things up that I needed and off I went to the cash. People were, for the most part giving room in between each other at the checkout. As I waited in line I decided to check social media…a state of emergency had been implemented just minutes before hand. My eyes started to tear up. I really didn’t know what it meant and I didn’t want to know at that time…all I knew was, I wanted to get home as quickly as possible.

I left and headed towards my aunt’s place. I advised her I would not be coming in to visit like I normally would. We chatted and we talked about the severity of what was going on. I told her I didn’t feel comfortable coming in because I didn’t want to expose her if I had gotten exposed while I was out. She geared herself up in a mask and gloves and met me at her front door where I handed her the bags and left.

I popped by my cuzins house to drop off pizza and a cookie decorating kit for the kids. Just a little something to break up the day with them. I left it on her doorstep and rang the bell and ran. It felt like a game of knock on ginger in a sense, so it was kind of funny on the surface but wasn’t so funny inside my soul. Her and her kids opened the door and waived and thanked me. I felt so bad not being able to give them all a quick hug but we just couldn’t do that today.

My next stop was brief as well. I dropped a few things off to an older uncle and then headed back to Dartmouth. I decided I’d make another stop for personal items at Shoppers. As I entered, the makeup lady was at the counter behind a glass screen. I made the comment “well that’s pretty smart but who the fuck is out buying makeup right now and why the hell are you working?” She replied “I’d really rather be home” and I commented back “then go home this isn’t worth it”. She smiled, I smiled back and I said “I’m serious” and walked away. I came across toilet paper at a reasonable price (5 bucks for 12 rolls) if anyone is out, it was Shoppers down by the bridge. I used self checkout and got the hell out of there.

As I ventured back home I really wanted to get as much needed stuff as possible because it became apparent to me I couldn’t do this again for quite a long time. I had forgotten potatoes in Sobeys so I pulled in Gateway as there was no line up outside the store so I knew it wasn’t packed inside. I ran in quickly. People were, for the most part keeping their distance. There was one guy who kept fucking around in everyone’s space without being mindful he was doing it. I stayed clear of him. As I approached the counter I started to get overwhelmed. I could feel my emotions kicking in. That one mindless guy had triggered me. The lady working the cash could tell I was upset and asked if I was alright. I lifted my glasses up on my forehead, wiped the tears from my eyes and said “I wish people would take this more serious and keep their distance”. She agreed. She was comforting. I could also see she was barely holding it together herself as she explained that she’s had to constantly tell people to keep their distance, even at the counter. She said “don’t worry dear we wipe everything down after each customer and especially the debit machine. We made a bit more small talk and as we were talking I just kept trying to hold it together. I could tell she was trying her hardest to make me feel better. She talked about their business being considered an essential service provider, her family and how she missed them when when she was at work and how she just wanted to get home safely after her shift. I thanked her and wished her and her family to stay safe and bee lined for the exit with tears in my eyes. I got in my vehicle and to put it simply…I had a breakdown. I cried my face off, in the parking lot and then left. I needed gas. I couldn’t even bring myself to stop and put gas in the vehicle and the gas station was literally across the street.

As I drove home a relived the few hours I had been out. I thought about the people who were carelessly going along as if there was nothing in the world going on. I thought about the few people I ran into that I knew and we shared pleasantries from afar. I thought about how hard it was not to run up and hug people I knew. I visualized the little old ladies in Sobeys just trying to get their few items and get home. I thought, I couldn’t be the only one feeling like this today and I thought I can’t do this again unless I am completely out of food. I thought about the people who are needed to work in the grocery stores, pharmacies, gas stations etc…I just thought about how this has to be impacting them mentally…it has to be. I thought about how underpaid they were for risking their lives…not that money means anything right now but the monetary value of their life right now is minimum wage…think about that.

As I fast approached my house I tried to pull it together but as soon as I got in the house I just let out the experiences I just went through from an emotional standpoint to the kids and my roommates. I had to tell them what a horrific day it had turned out to be and how ignorant some people are as to what is going on around them. We ate supper and truth be told, that’s all of the mental space I had left. I had no space left for anything and needed to lay down. I needed to detach emotionally from what was going on but truth is…I can’t now. Maybe in a few days of being back in my safe space I will be better in the head but for now…I just have to rest my head space for a bit and regroup.

My sleep was broken, I couldn’t let my mind rest. It was like a hamster on a spinning reel. I am awake now and have been for many hours…both of my older kids have lost their jobs. Both have financial responsibilities, I ask the question…why does anyone have to call to request relief from any payments, why? Banks, landlords, utility places…this right now should be automatic, we shouldn’t have to spend hours, days, weeks calling asking if we can defer payments. With every ROE issued why isn’t the government processing EI claims? Do we really have to spend countless hours trying to figure this all out? Well, I’ll end now. I’m going to start my work day…going to push through it…going to make like all is good on this end…but know this, there are plenty people who are not good and plenty people just holding on by a string….so at this moment in time, during one of the scariest moments in our lives it’s time to show compassion for others, kindness and love. It’s time to let go of what hate you have in your heart for others, it’s time to love again because we may not get another “opportunity” in life to show how human and vulnerable we really are. Let the earth heal so we can move forward, forever changed. #sherryannecrowe