The Ugly Baby…

I had my first son in 1992, that kid was a doll when he was born, some would say he looked like his mother and I’d agree. We will skip the 1994 baby aka the middle child for now. Then in 2000 I had my daughter, OMG she was born a doll, literally she was one cute baby I kid you not but she didn’t look like me she looked like her dad and that wasn’t a bad thing because he was super handsome.

Now back to kid #2…first of all, all babies are not created equal…some are cute at birth and some are simply NOT cute…you can try to dispute this all you want and you may even be looking at your kid right now saying, yeah he/she was an ugly baby…maybe you will pull out some baby pics after reading this and come to the realization that your baby, maybe, wasn’t so cute. Don’t come at me with any of that crap that all babies are cute…it’s bullshit. Just like all men aren’t handsome and all women aren’t beautiful…babies have an ugly category too.

My second kid gave me the hardest time during birth, they wanted to give me a C section and I said no this baby is coming out the vagina, period. After fussing around he finally decided to make his appearance into the real world. Once born they did all the shit they do to make sure he was okay then brought him to me. My exact words were “holy fuck he’s ugly, it’s a good thing he’s a boy.” The entire delivery room went quiet…I was a bit drugged up at the time but I knew my observation was accurate he was one ugly ass baby. I looked at his father and said “well he looks just like you.” I think he took it as a compliment, I’m not really sure it gets a bit foggy after that.

So I look at this baby the next day hoping he was just ugly for a day, ya know the whole ugly after delivery baby but cute the next day…it’s why parents wait to post pics of their newborns, they are waiting for them to cuten up over the next few days. Sometimes that happens but for me, it didn’t happen. They brought him to me the next day and I said to the nurse “I see he’s still ugly” the nurse was fighting with her face to hold back a big laugh. She replied kindly “oh dear he’s not ugly” and I asked her if she needed glasses. I was sure they were going to report me to child services but they didn’t so I took the ugly baby home after a few days. Even after a few days he just wasn’t getting any cuter…honestly. His head was shaped like a cone, he could’ve been part of the cone head movie I swear and the size of his head was similar to a watermelon…exact size. He was top heavy for sure, always needing his head held in place because he hadn’t developed the much needed neck muscles to hold it up. He had these eyes that were bugging out of his head, scary shit when you wake up to breast feed him in the middle of the night and he’s staring at you like he’s some sort of creature…I just had to look away to be honest.

After about 3 months of trying to love this ugly baby, one day he woke up cute and I mean cute cute. His head had turned from a cone to a perfectly round head….mind you for 3 months I was rubbing his head in a circular motion to get it to go round (an elder told me to do this, she thought he was ugly too) his eyes seemed to have adjusted back into his head, his smile was perfect and he no longer scared the shit out of me during the middle of the night feedings…no more nightmares for me!

I finally took him out in public for the world to see…they adored him both near and far (that was a bit dramatic I know) After 3 months of pure ugly baby hell he just blossomed into this cute little kid, then into a handsome young man…and I am proud to say that during his 25 years on this earth I have loved him for 24 years and 9 months, the first 3 months was a mother doing what she had to do for her ugly baby…and yes he knows this story and he laughs at it because when I tell it in his presence he says “yeah, well look at me now” #sherryannecrowe

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