The First Mate…

Back in the day me and my hubby owned a boat…this boat was pretty awesome, it had a cabin below with a TV, stove, fridge, sleeping area…all the fun things you want to have on a boat. I wasn’t a fan of the boat to be completely fucking honest because I get motion sickness unless I pop a Gravol before hand and that might as well be a sleeping pill. My hubby loved the boat and went out as much as he could on it. He was always gathering up guys to go fishing or taking the kids down to go fishing…he would take people out and let them party on the boat…he was always a sober captain and I was always the bossed around first mate.

Now being his first mate required a lot of fucking work…he was a high end Captain who loved to bark out orders. I am not too sure how this boat life works in the real fucking world but in ours he was the boss of everyone on board and the first mate was basically the person who did whatever the Captain said the fuck to do. It varied from “go grab me a drink” to “start the BBQ up” to “cook all of this food” to “turn the music up” and on and on and on.

This particular day we were going out was my best friend Dana’s first time out. I had full warned her that I would be super busy getting bossed around from the time we stepped on the boat until we came back in to dock, she didn’t care she just wanted to go on the boat so the day began.

We were set to take off and the orders started being barked out…”untie the boat”, “pull up the bumpers”, tie this up and that up…jump on /off the boat…then the music, then the BBQ and every other fucking thing you could imagine he needed ,the Captain was catered to. When the boat was docked out in the middle of nowhere he continued to bark out orders, that’s when the “do it yourself” comments would start. He’d always reply “but I’m the Captain”.

Dana wanted to be the first mate and I had no idea why but she wanted to be part of it. I was just there saying “no relax” or “I got this” as I rolled my eyes with every request from the Captain. The truth is the boat was just too much work for me so when I went on it I pretty much dreaded it until we got back in and docked it…that’s the real truth.

So the day was winding down and we were heading back in to dock the boat. Dana was having a great time taking pics with the kids and even posing for a photo like she was on the Titanic (Yep that’s her in the blog picture). She laid out on the bow of the boat taking in the scenery, fed some ducks along the way…she had a great fucking day let’s just chalk it up to that.

So we’re heading back in and I’m telling her how he’s going to get really bossy when it comes time to park the boat, I mean dock the fucking boat he never liked when I said “park” the boat because it wasn’t nautical enough….yeah yeah yeah he was obsessed with being a Captain. Dana up and volunteers to help dock the boat. I was like “are you sure man, you got to be on point or he’s going to be hollering his head off” she was ready to step up to the plate and be his first mate. I had to fucking warn her again…”Dana you got to make sure that this boat doesn’t hit any other boat that he’s parking next to” she starts to get a bit anxious now knowing that this is a big fucking deal. “I can do it” she says. My directions were as follows: “help me put all the bumpers down” she did. “Now hold the rope and when we get close to the dock you’re going to jump off and make sure the boat doesn’t hit another boat, you got to use the rope to tie it up but you also go to use it and your body weight to control the boat” “ok ok”she says “I got it”. “ok, I will tell you when to jump and don’t fuck this up” I warned her….she was stressed but she still wanted to prove her first mate status.

We’re getting close to the dock and there are tons of boats around and Mike is stressed. Truth be told he sucked just a little bit at “parking”the boat and he was always nervous when we were pulling in. We started getting closer…100 feet, then 50 feet and now at this time he’s yelling “GET READY”. She says “I’m ready” we’re about 20 feet to the dock and he yells “ARE YOU READY” so I turn to Dana and say “Get ready, are you ready to jump?” she says “I’m ready” and all of a fucking sudden this girl leaps the fuck off the boat…I swear to fuck we were 20 feet from that dock and ain’t nobody told her to jump yet…she fucking leaps off the boat with the rope in hand, lands on the fucking dock on her knees, rolls across the dock in the fetal position to the other side where she slams into the other boat that is docked. The other boat saved her from rolling off the other side of the dock and into the water. I can’t stop laughing as I write this because I have no fucking idea how she jumped 20 fucking feet, I…just…don’t.

That was the last time she was the first mate ~Holla