Please, Don’t Take Your Life…

On March 25th, I read the words on your social media account that ended with, “How can my smile make YOU feel so good & so happy when it’s just a front from me so I don’t take this shit off safety and blow my brains out” and I instantly panicked, please don’t take your life is what I uttered to myself under my breath.

This was clearly his inner demons getting the best of him.  Something tragic must have happened. He took one final stab at writing out his thoughts and ended it with something that scared the shit out of me, how could any friend just sit by, ignore that and not reach out? I was scared, I won’t lie. Instantly my heart started to race, my mind started to try to figure out how to fix it, fix him…I had no reach, we lived so far away yet he is one of the few people I truly love and adore with every part of my heart. I messaged no reply. I called, no answer but I left a message in case it may make a small difference in his thought process, I sent a text no immediate reply, and my anxiety had hit an all-time high. Had my friend taken his life? Please, don’t let this horrible thought become a reality…Please.

I started searching for clues on who to contact on his page…and as I started to write a post in all caps which was going to read IS THERE ANYONE CLOSE BY THAT CAN PHYSICALLY GO CHECK ON HIM? I never got to finish posting it because I had finally gotten a reply… that was the longest 8 minutes of my life… My heart was saying he will be alright, he is fine…I needed to keep repeating this to myself… but my gut was saying this was more serious this time…I felt his pain in his post and I absolutely knew he wasn’t good, not even ok…he was definitely going through something dark…come to find out another friend of his had lost his life. It was the 7th death he had to deal with this year alone, no wonder he was at his breaking point. He values his friendships and relationships with people and losing 7 people in 3 months is a heavy load for him to carry…for anyone to carry, especially someone battling depression.

We shared some texts and voice memos…My heart started to beat fast as I listened to his voice message tell me he’s still here…hearing his voice was the only thing I needed to hear in that moment. He was still alive and that’s what mattered the most. I couldn’t lose him, would he even understand what a hole this would leave in my heart? Yes, I’m being selfish because I want my friend to be here for a long time and not think his contribution to this world goes unnoticed.

He’s been shot and survived, he’s pulled the trigger on himself before and the gun jammed and when he finally got back to me and said “I’m here for a bigger purpose” I think he realized in that moment that all that kindness he has for everyone and everything shouldn’t be taken away from a world that needs it so badly.

You see if I were to describe him, not physically but based on his personality I would share all of his best traits because to be honest…I’m not sure he has a shitty bone in his body. He’s kind, caring, selfless, funny, charming, and charismatic; he’s the guy everyone loves and the guy who loves everyone. He would give you his last dollar and go without, he gives, gives, gives so much of himself to others. He literally has a heart of gold. He shares funny videos of himself, and thoughts about situations that are simply just downright hilarious. He once read that it’s impossible to sneeze and keep his eyes open, so he spent the night trying to make himself sneeze to prove them wrong…he even updated us with confirmation that it’s impossible. He loves animals so damn much that one time he said “Fam if my kid is born allergic to dogs imma have to throw the whole baby away” Fuck that shit was funny because he looooooooves kids so we all knew it was a joke to highlight how much he loves animals. If I could clone my friend I would and I love him without judgement the very same way I know he loves me back…even with so much distance between us I know that we share a special bond.

I could write a million different funny things he has said, the kindness in his heart, his most powerful positive energy I have ever felt from a human being but the one thing I want to highlight is he has suffered so much with losses of loved ones that he intentionally does everything in his power to make those around him feel good. To most that “on the surface” know him they would never know what battles he fights in his head to make them smile.  To those who know his pain, even just a small portion of it…we need to be mindful that beneath that beautiful smile, those jokes he cracks, his giving nature etc, sometimes, more times than we know he is suffering. We need to be the protectors of our friends who are suffering, take some of that weight off their shoulders, love them when they can’t love themselves, check on them…and when I say check on them I don’t mean saying “I’m here if you need me”, know that they won’t call when they need you every single time, they may never call and that’s a sure sign that they aren’t well.

What I’m trying to say here is that when someone you know is battling demons, try your hardest to give a piece of yourself to them, help them when you can, love them unconditionally, don’t be judgmental, don’t get discouraged, lead with your heart and love those who sometimes can’t love themselves. March 25 has forever changed me, I LOVE YOU MY DEAR FRIEND, I REALLY DO and I am so happy you decided that March 25, 2019 was not your day to leave this world, I wasn’t ready and I am thankful that you weren’t either ~ Love, Your Friend Sherry