Mr. Sandman…

My hubby and I went on a tropical vacation with my cuzin and his wife, it was their very first time on a tropical trip so we had to do everything in terms of adventures with them. On the day before we were going to head back to our own cold climate my hubby and cuzin signed us up to go on a romantic horseback ride along the beach…this excursion was advertised as the “most romantic thing” to do. I was a bit skeptical because I thought the endless food and drinks was as romantic as I really needed it to be…but hey I’d attempt horseback riding and holding hands with my hubby while trotting or galloping down the beach whispering sweet nothings to each other…sure that’s what we signed up for but that’s not really what we got in return.

We arrived mid afternoon to the location by bus to which we were going to start our romantic horseback riding adventure. It was still quite bright out but we just figured the sun must set early in Cuba so we didn’t question the mid afternoon start time. Sometimes adults aren’t that fucking bright to be honest. There are about 5 couples going with us, we were pretty excited once we arrived. They gave us our helmets and said “follow me” around the back of the building to get our horses. The horses were quite small and we were thinking maybe we were too big to get on those little fucking horses but the guide assured us that they were strong horses that could handle the job so we picked a horse to ride on and headed to the beach. I started to ask questions because I had never been on a horse before so I needed to know one thing…how the fuck do I make the horse stop so they taught me how to pull on the reigns if I wanted the horse to stop, pretty straight forward right?

We walked the horses to the beach and saddled up for our romantic adventure. For some reason none of us could control the horses well enough to get side by side and hold hands and do romantic shit… we all just ended up randomly paired with someone else or I would be about 20 feet ahead of my hubby and his horse wouldn’t speed the fuck up no matter what he did to try to make it go faster. We were hot, frustrated and everyone was complaining about the horses to the guides who spoke maybe 10 words of English which was more Spanish than we could speak so there was an issue with the language barrier.

Two horses were the “fast” horses. Me and another guy were riding the fast horses….he rode horses before as we talked along our romantic horse ride…he was a pretty cocky asshole to be honest and the horse sensed that, I’m sure of it. Every once in a while our horses would fucking take off sprinting down the beach… I was screaming bloody murder with lots of profanities. The horses would go from walking fast to running like they were competing at the Kentucky Derby. The guy was getting annoyed and was trying to control the horse but truth was the horses only listened to the guides when it came to starting and stopping…I think they only spoke Spanish too!

This guy was yelling at the guides as they tried to keep the horses together. He was a know it all and rude on a 4 star level. All of a sudden the tour guide makes a sound while this guy is mouthing off at him and both of our horses took off down the beach and when I say “took off” I fucking mean they took the fuck off racing at top speed down the beach. I was screaming and holding on for dear life…then the cocky asshole pulls up on the side of me and looks over smiling and says “you won’t win” and I was like WTF this isn’t a fucking race you dumb ass….and he’s doing that horse thing where they kick their heels in the horses side to make them go faster so off his horse goes. I was still screaming “stop this fucking horse”, I was pulling on the reigns trying to get him to stop but he just kept on racing his fucking horse buddy down the beach. I was bouncing up and down in the saddle like they do in the movies, that lasted about 2 bounces only because it felt like someone was taking a hammer to my vajayjay….that shit hurts, a lot. I was holding on for dear life and I was praying I wasn’t going to die….I remember yelling “oh god oh god don’t let me die”. I looked back and could see the guide coming towards me at full speed…he looked like the Cuban Fabio galloping down the beach with his hair blowing in the wind, now that I think about it he was kinda hot. So he gets up close to me and I swear this fucking horse was at top speed and he makes some random sound and the horse just slows down then stops…like it didn’t move another step….he passes by me to catch up to the other horse “racer” but what he doesn’t know is that the guy was enjoying it. He makes another sound when he gets close enough to him and all of a sudden the fucking horse stops dead in his tracks, kicks his back legs up in the air and throws this cocky asshole about 20 feet in the air and across the sand landing FACE first in the sand. I thought he was dead, we all did.

Everyone went running to view the body, up out of the sand he rose spitting out a mouthful of sand. He was covered in sand from head to toe because he was sweating and the sand stuck to him like glue. Once we all realized he was alive we started calling him Mr. Sandman…he didn’t think that shit was funny but we all did and we secretly thought he got what he deserved for being a fucking asshole. ~ Holla