A Few Things I’ve Come to Realize…

What I’ve realized in the past few months…

I like people…I miss people but months of alone time has forever made a positive impact on my life.

I save more money from me not shopping at Gateway than I ever did shopping there. Now, more than ever I realize that I didn’t need all of the food I kept buying because it was on sale and then throwing out because I bought too much. The boycotting worked out just fine for me. How about you? Still giving those racists your money? Still don’t care?

I misspell a lot of words now that I don’t have nails…I also realize that the grammar police got my back…Ya’ll the real MVPs.

I have realized how beautiful nature is in it’s very own state, so mowing my lawn is a thing of the past.

I realize that no matter what is going on in the world, there are still shitty people in it who won’t change and there are really great people in it that also won’t change. Choose your click wisely.

I realize that all of my mood swings are completely justified. Periodt.

You need to realize that the word “period” is really spelled “periodt” it’s not a typo, ever. Some of ya’ll will get this and some of ya’ll are going to Google it.

I realized the only dating site I will be using from now on is Instagram…There have been many attempts at cat fishing me, but I’m about to go ahead and give Christopher John a reply message:

I’ve come to realize that I am mourning the loss of people with a heightened sense of grief, I don’t even need to know the person that well…the loss completely impacts me emotionally. More specifically, those from our communities. I also realized that families are suffering due to not being able to have a celebration of life…this is awful if I’m being honest. It’s in these times that I have truly gotten to appreciate how we celebrate the lives of others when they have passed and how important it is.

I’ve realized that drinking my problems away is a temporary fix and that I need to find an alternate outlet. However I have to finish this wine first before I make this next move.

I realize no matter how many times I call 800.531.7555, they will leave me on hold and then hang up on me after the 2 hour maximum wait time. This is how you do not get access to CERB or EI. Don’t judge, it isn’t for me but if I get through I may apply because they owe me that money for the hours of wait time I’ve given to them.

I realize that my blind cat is a manipulator and every once in a while she acts like she’s on deaths door, I plan her exit into the afterlife and then she magically gets better. This past week she could barely walk, so I had to bring her food, kitty litter box, water and bed to all be in her reach so she doesn’t have to walk up and down the stairs. I even put a chair across the top step to ensure she didn’t attempt to go down them and fall….all to find out she has miraculously recovered, once again. 9 lives is real ya’ll.

I realize that people posting this during all of this shit going on are simply selfish and self centered…not sorry if that hits a nerve with you. This is not the time to judge or test friendships. People go through shit behind closed doors, you don’t always know what they’re going through so stop with these types of posts. Also, some people will post this knowing very well they are the person they are posting about…manipulation at its finest.

I realized not everyone likes my content…and I’m ok with that…also, screw you for not liking my selfie video!

I’ve realized that love for yourself is completely underrated and that even assholes love themselves, so yeah…love yourself in spite of everything that society says about you that makes you feel like you shouldn’t…so what, love yourself..

I realized that I forget names because of social media account names…I swear I only know you by your fake name. I don’t know who anyone is with their masks on, which forces people to pull them down so I can make the connection, then I call them by their social media name and they get offended. I’ve also realized that now I have to remember that you are not only a masked version of yourself with a different social media name, now I have to remember what you look like as an avatar and connect your social media name to the avatar which I can try to link to some picture you may have of yourself on your social media page…so it will take a few minutes to gather my thoughts when I see you.

I have come to realize that no amount of humour can heal this pain we are going through.

I’ve realized that watching a man be murdered in front of my eyes and realizing it’s not something scripted in a movie has taken a toll on my mental state. The smugness of the pig that did it makes it even harder to get out of my head. The lack of intervention by dozens of onlookers will forever be puzzling to me. George Floyd, say his name.

I realized that knowing a mother is suffering with a pain that nobody could ever be able to explain after hearing her daughter scream “mom help” before police threw her daughter off of a balcony 24 floors up, has most likely put her in a state of no return. Yes I know the matter is “under investigation” but let’s be honest here, they will find no wrong doings in this matter and the case will be closed, the mother, brother and other family members will have to live with this pain for the rest of their lives and adding salt to the wound, they won’t even get justice for her murder. Regis Korchinski-Paquet, say her name.

I have come to realize not everyone cares about Black people. I’ve come to realize that people are very comfortable not caring. Following me? Family too…

I’ve come to realize that “friends” stray away from me the same way I stray away from them, I guess we both have our reasons.

I’ve come to realize that people care about celebrities more than they care about uplifting their own people, communities, friends, family members etc…people genuinely care more about strangers who could care less about them.

I realize that some of ya’ll break bread with people who are toxic, who in return turn you toxic against some of the best people in your lives…most times you stick with these toxic people because of what they do for you, ignoring those who would climb mountains to save you.

I realize that when people post, “life is short, forgive people, stop this foolishness” they are in emotional distress…from something tragic that has happened. Truth is, yes life is “short” but why the hell are we expected to forgive people that have done us wrong, hurt us, betrayed us, used us the ones who would never have your back…the abusers, the bystanders, the onlookers, the “hushers” in the family, ya know the ones that shhhh you up when you speaking truths about shit that went on in the family. Naaaaawwwww I’ll pass on that forgiveness, stay the fuck away from me.

I’ve come to realize that ya’ll turn a blind eye when you shouldn’t. I mean ya’ll got a pastor preaching to you weekly and he’s a known cheater, who preys on those he perceives as vulnerable women and a textbook narcissist…but ya’ll pretend you don’t know, those who do know justify his actions by actually quoting words from the Bible, ya’ll still show up to his church and worship him. I just don’t see how this fits the narrative of doing the Lord’s work. Damn the Catholic church has been breeding pedophiles and raping children for years and people are just ok with this and continue to show up to worship with them. Don’t be mad at me right now…This shit is crazy to me. Facts are facts and I know some of you will be mad that I wrote this…but I don’t care….be mad.

I’ve come to realize that my love for some isn’t necessarily the love they have for me and I’m okay with that we all love differently. Energy doesn’t lie, some of ya’ll deny the negative energy with others just because you want to be part of a click, that doesn’t care about you. That’s self inflicted pain if you ask me, but carry on.

I’ve come to realize that without pain I’d be a happier person in general. I don’t like the saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” …I’d rather not suffer to be “stronger”.

I’ve realized that flying solo is the key to happiness, but also being left out of things you felt you would be part of is also hurtful. Try not to let people hurt your soul for excluding you…sometimes they just “forget”.

I’ve realized that I may not know how to deal with death because I was never taught how to deal with death. People think I’m “strong”, truth is I just don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve also passed down that “trait” or whatever you may call it to my kids. They have no idea how to deal with death, I fear for them when I pass…so I try to talk to them about it at times, you know to prepare them but it’s a hard topic to discuss…they will never be as prepared as I’d like them to be. I would rather see them smiling during my death rather than crying for me being gone…I can’t come back, I can’t change anything once I’m dead…hopefully they realize how much I loved them while I was here and if they do, then I expect them to smile and not cry once I am gone. It takes a village after a person passes…remember that.

I’ve realized that right now in this moment who I am as a person is a combination of of interactions between myself and others as I’ve grown up from a child. Part of who I am is how I was raised and part of who I am is who I’ve been friends with. Part of who I am is being in situations that have harmed me and part of who I am is being in situations whereas I’ve been taken advantage of and used. Part of who I am is loving those who have no damn love for me and part of who I am is never knowing what love was until I had my own children. Part of who I am is seeing blood do me wrong when I was down for them and part of who I am is not knowing who is who in my “family”. Part of who I am is influenced by shitty people and part of who I am is influenced by really great people. I don’t even know who I am, I just know I’m a combination of the circumstances over the course of my life and I just try to figure out what combination of events brings out the best in me.

Got a bit deep there huh? I tried to lighten it up with some attempts at being cheeky. Truth is writing is therapy. I have 15 written, unpublished blogs…all therapy blogs I think. Not sure why I haven’t published most of them but there are a few that are unfinished…this particular blog was written in May…I just read this one and updated a few things and said fawk it, it’s done. So yeah, thanks for reading along.

Love to you all, the real ones anyways.

BLACK LIVES MATTER

Sherry Anne Crowe