10 Years Ago Today…A Letter to My Husband…

June 14, 2009 me and the kids were having a slumber party in our bedroom.  The 4 kids made a camp on the floor out of blankets and pillows, you were resting your tired body on the couch and I was sitting on the end of the couch sleeping while you laid your head on my lap. This however would be the last slumber party we would have together as a family.  The kids had worked on your Father’s Day gift that day.  They were excited for you to see it.  They wrote you a little note each with a picture of you and them in a frame.  Days before Father’s Day your body and heart had decided it was time for you to rest easy and escape the pain you had been so heroically dealing with.  As your shell had been deteriorating your heart remained the same.

That morning I was encouraging you to let me take you outside to breathe in the fresh air, it was a beautiful day.  You mustered up the strength to get up with my help and shuffle your way over to the back door.  I opened the door and you leaned on me and we just talked about how beautiful it was outside.  It was only for a few moments but you breathed in the fresh air and smiled and said “I needed this”.

This night I was not prepared for what was next, even though I tried my hardest to be ready for the day you decided enough is enough. Two years of you fighting for your life and I had to be prepared for a not so happy ending as the last 6 months suggested you were not going to make it through this battle. It was sometime past midnight when my brother arrived at our place, at this point I had realized you were on your way to another journey through the universe. I’m sure I was quite bossy as I tried to round the kids up and get them to their bedrooms upstairs. They were in deep sleeps so when they were awakened, they didn’t know what was going on…my brother helped them all up to their beds. The two youngest said they didn’t want to go to their beds, but we insisted. They had no idea that you were on your journey to another place without them.

I tried to talk to you, say your name, tell you I loved you, but you were non-responsive even though you were looking in my eyes.  I started to panic as I had never been in this situation before.  I called the palliative care unit in the hospital to ask them what I should do, they told me to call 911, I freaked out on  them in the moment yelling “what the hell is 911 going to do?”…This situation was out of my control and I just wanted control of it so I could stop it from happening.  The nurse was kind and understanding, she calmed me down and finally I confirmed my address with her and she called 911.  I don’t remember much after I hung up the phone with the nurse, I think I may have yelled at my brother for something.  He looked so worried and afraid.

As I fought back tears because I didn’t want you to see me cry, I didn’t want you to know how scared I was and I surely didn’t want you to think I couldn’t handle what was about to happen I just tried to smile at you and hold you.

The ambulance and fire truck arrived.  They checked your vitals and said the words “I’m sorry”.  My whole world was flipped upside down in that moment…truth is a part of me thought they were going to come and fix you, make you better, tell me you just needed some more rest…something, I just wanted someone to say he’s going to be fine. They gently handled you as if you were their own family member.  They kept saying kind words, expressing their sympathies to me.  I however, was a bit in denial.  They covered you in blankets to keep you warm as I recall saying “make sure he has lots of blankets on him” when they were carefully placing you on the stretcher.  We rode to the hospital together, I was in the back of the ambulance holding your hand.  I looked at the paramedic and asked “is he really gone” she warmly smiled and said yes and at that moment every single part of my soul had been crushed. I had to be strong, the kids were going to need me.

10 Years Later…

This pain is the realest pain I have ever felt and it simply doesn’t go away. Although you have been gone for 10 years you most certainly will never be a memory of mine that will just fade away.  You see in some of my darkest hours I think about you and find my strength from you. You are talked about all the time with the kids and others.  I can’t count the times I reference you in a conversation about something or another.  The kids have not forgotten you, you truly touched their spirits in ways nobody could imagine.  Although they were young when you passed, we talk so much about you that they could never forget you and the impact you had on their lives, ever.  

Ten years later and this shit still hurts like it did 10 years ago.  I can never let go of what a wonderful person you were in my life.  You were broken and I was broken but together we put the pieces back together and made the best of life.  If I’m being honest our relationship was far from perfect, I don’t want anyone thinking it was perfection.  The love we had for each other and our kids was genuine and everything in between was just us working through our shit. Two strong minded people we were, we are…I got so much strength from you and I was sure you got some from me too. 

Today, I am where I am because of you Mike, because you took the time to show me unconditional love.  You took the time to love my kids before I had yours and be a father to them when theirs was absent in their lives. You always showed unconditional love to all of the kids we had in our blended family and you most certainly showed other people’s kids love too.  You were an amazing husband, soul mate, partner, provider, father, brother, nephew, son and friend.  You were one amazing person, someone who every woman in life wants to meet, a soulmate. A man of honesty, integrity and life skills that would go beyond anyone’s imagination.  You were selfless and you put up with my crazy ass while making me a better person along the way.

So as the universe would have it, we have people placed in our lives for various reasons.  My Mike, I believe that we were placed together to ensure you had someone who would be there for you and love you in your weakest moments without ever having to question that commitment and loyalty and I believe you were placed in my life to show me exactly what love looks like and feels like and to find ways to always dig deep when I need the strength to carry on.  Without you I may have given up so many times in those really dark hours after your passing but I truly believe that you Mike, are one reason why I am able to wake up every single morning and appreciate life.

You have been part of my life since 1999 and you will forever be a part of my life as long as I breathe the air on this earth.  So as my heart hurts every year in June and most certainly every year on June 14, I keep you close to my heart.  I wish I could stop replaying that night in my head but I can’t. We simply never stop talking about you, we never do.  Me, the kids, my friends…we reference you regularly and you will always be a part of our lives. No matter how life “goes on” you will forever be the most significant person to ever play a role in the person I am today and for that I am ever so grateful to have shared 10 years on earth with you and 20 years in my heart with you.

~ Sherry Anne Crowe wife of Michael Bruce Crowe, Forever Your Wife ❤️